Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Laying Down My Mask

I'm going to be really open and vulnerable with you on this post and trust me, it isn't easy for me. I would not be sharing these feelings with you, except I feel God telling me to because someone else needs to read it. Someone else needs to know they aren't the only ones that feel this way and that it's okay. 

I believe it's time we, as sisters in Christ, lay down the masks and be real. We have to be open. We have to let others know it's okay to not have it all together. How can we build each other up if we don't even know we are falling down?

I don't know where to start other than just jump in and blurt it all out. 

So here it goes...

I feel guilty. A lot. About a lot of things. 

I feel like I'm not teaching my children enough.

I feel like I don't take care of my home enough.

I feel like I don't take care of my family's needs enough.

I feel like I don't work my business enough.

I feel like I don't take care of my blog enough.

I feel like I don't exercise enough.

I feel like a slacker.

I feel like a failure in each of those areas. I feel like I should do better. Like I should do more.

Anytime I rest or stop and enjoy something fun with my kids, I feel lazy.

It's a never ending battle in my mind. A constant war of my thoughts.

I always have this feeling of guilt that I could have done more or done it better. 

But deep, deep down, I know that isn't true. That's where the battle lies. 

My heart says "it's okay to watch a movie with my children," my mind says "look at all you didn't get done because you wasted all that time on a movie". 

My heart says, "Kim, you taught your kids to love Jesus and how to learn anything they need to know. That is the important thing."  My mind says, "Look at how many assignments are left undone. What if they don't know enough?"

I know those lies and feelings of condemnation are from the devil. I know that. But it doesn't make them go away. 

I don't have all the answers of how to fix this yet, but I'm getting there. I'm still learning. I'm still growing. And I refuse to live in this "less than" state.

One thing I have learned, is that I am not enough. I'm just not. But Jesus is. Jesus is enough and I have Jesus. That's enough. 

So for now, I will rest in this truth, Jesus is enough. I do not have to be perfect, God does not expect me to be. He knows I can't be. But He loves me. He loves me no matter how many times I screw up. He loves me no matter how I feel about myself. His love NEVER changes. EVER. 

So my sweet sister, I can't offer you answers. Yet. But I can offer you encouragement and love and I will tell you that you are not alone. I am with you. God is with you. And there is hope.

I will keep sharing my journey and what I'm learning through it all. I will keep being real and open and vulnerable. I will be here to encourage you and lift you up. And we will say, "Whew! I'm not alone!"

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